POSE: S2 E6
Love's in need of Love today!
“My Visit From Candy”
Pose starts with a ball scene and the category is back to the future. They are serving looks and they are getting every piece of their life; I am looking at the looks and waiting for the commentary. Pray Tell, the lead character, knows how to get everyone together. If you dare to step into a category and not let them have it, Pray Tell will most definitely let you have it! This time, though, Pray Tell looks to have something wrong with him and he is sweating profusely. Then, he passes out. It hits me that AIDS has finally caught up to him. This took me to a moment I had tried to forget and I was transported back to my past of 2005—the moment that I collapsed at work.
I woke up in a hospital room similar to Pray Tell’s room. My emotions started to take over as I watched this scene unfold. Trying to fight back the thoughts and feelings because crying was sure to accompany them, I can remember feeling like the doctor was speaking French until he nonchalantly stated that I had AIDS.
As I watched Pray Tell fight for the only thing he has left, his life, I could only think about that this was me 14 years ago! I had been putting off going to the doctor for so long that my body was starting to tell everyone else in ways that I pretended not to notice: the changing of my skin, the aching bones, the sweats, the chills and—most apparent—the loss of weight! The reality was I only had 4 T-cells and I was dying. I remember for a brief moment I glimpsed into the mirror that was on the wall at the foot of the bed cringing at the figure staring back at me. I asked the universe, “Who is this?”
I wanted to go. I wanted to leave this hospital. I was deep in my thoughts as I was moving to put on some clothes only to find out that I had not moved from the bed at all. I was so weak that I could not move even if I wanted to.
Just like Pray Tell I was visited by my representation of Miss Candy. My Miss Candy was much like her role: she was sweet darkness, deep and inviting. There had been a time where I would have fought off Miss Candy. However, in this moment I did not have the energy or the desire. Candy’s representation in my life was death. Miss Candy was sitting close to me and the allure was magnetizing. She presented herself in a way that I could not help but be drawn in. The way she enticed Pray Tell to come with her by giving him a bottle full of pills, her words oozing from her lips simply saying to end it. Still, Pray Tell was resolute in it not being his time yet.
Unlike Pray Tell, I did not want to live anymore! I was tired, hurting, embarrassed, and yearning to turn back the hands of time. On this particular day around 11:30am, I started to have seizures so bad that my body contorted in ways my mother said she had never seen. I had waves of seizures for what felt like hours on end. My body was trying to fight the only way it knew how. The seizures felt as if they were getting worse as time went on. So, I invited Miss Candy in all her glory to be my travel guide. I lamented to her that this life is no longer for me. I took Miss Candy’s hand and drifted off into the cold darkness. Then, I realized that I was no longer with Miss Candy.
Scared, I started praying to the higher power to let me go. In that moment something happened. There was something there in the darkness that I could not make out. However, it was calling out to me and coming closer. It was gigantic but so small I could not focus on it. Once I finally could focus on it, I realized It was a gigantic hand palm up. Candy is that you? The hand was silent but there was a voice that boomed and shook my soul stating, “It is not your time and I am not done with you yet.” In that moment I was jolted back to reality and back in hospital room where I was surrounded by my family and the doctors. I looked at my mother and she looked as if she had seen a ghost. The doctor tapped my foot and said you are stable. I drifted off back into the darkness, but it was not cold and there was no Candy.
As Pose ended, I set on the side of my bed with snacks in my hand, thankful that after over a decade, I have something on television that tells the story that I am just finding the words for.
I am Living. Werk. Pose!
Peace N Blessings